Don't Fuck the Robot

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#Don't Fuck the Robot ###By Mark Vigeant **Choose your character** - [[Billy]] - [[Dr. Crunkus]] { (if: $fuckedG04 is true)[ - [[Guy who is currently fucking a robot... again|Guy who is currently fucking a robot]]] (else:)[ - [[Guy who is currently fucking a robot]]] }

(if: $abeReady is true)[ The stupid old man crumbles to the ground next to you. //Whatever, he smelled like moldy piss// you think to yourself, knowing the smell quite well because you keep jars of your own piss around. (link:"Check out that giant fucking robot")[You walk over to the massive fucking robot. Suddenly, it becomes animated- it bends over, picks you up by the scruff of your neck, and inserts you into a hatch in it's head. You plop down in what appears to be a control room. //What the fuck is this shit??// you think to yourself... [[Fuck around with the controls]] [[Piss everywhere]]]] (else:)[ //Today fucking sucks, fuck this// you say to yourself as you, a big strong boy, kick over the stupid fucking houseplant in your mom's boyfriend's bathroom. //Why does he get his own bathroom// you say to yourself. //Fucking dick//. If there were something to distract you... like, literally ANYTHING, you'd probably do something else. (link: "Get full ass naked and use Gerald's electric shaver to buzz yourself clean")[//Hell yeah, better do this while standing in the toilet// you say excitedly. You get full ass naked and use Gerald's electric shaver to buzz yourself clean. It's fun, but some weird noise startles you and you drop the electric shaver in the toilet, which you're standing inside of because you're a badass who doesn't give a fuck. It kills you. You poop everywhere as you die naked, alone, and in the toilet. ##You died [[Play Again|Opening]]]]

"THIS JUST IN!" screamed the TV man from the TV screen in front of you. "AN ANCIENT RACE OF ALIENS IS ATTACKING EARTH! THE PRESIDENT IS TOTALLY FUCKING OUT OF IDEAS ON HOW TO SAVE US! EVERYBODY PANIC!" //Great Steven// you mutter to yourself. //I have to get the boy. It is time.// (link:"Strap on your tevas")[You strap on your tevas and head to the door. But before you go... [[You slip downstairs to fuck the robot]] [[You grab your keys]] [[You just fuckin' go to the boy|Go to the Boy]]]

(if: $fuckedG04 is true)[You sick motherfucker, coming back for more, are you? (link: "Yeah I fuckin' am")[ That's cool as hell. ## You died. (set: $numFucked to it + 1) (set: $fuckedG04 to true) [[Play Again |Opening]] ]] (else:)["Mmmmmm this feels good" you say as you, a healthy adult man, has healthy adult sexual intercourse with a 60 foot Gundam. But of course, only GROWN ADULTS should enjoy this experience. Your father always said this- when a boy fucks, it's game over. But why bother thinking about that, it's time to enjoy. (link:"Express your love")["I love you" you say to the Gundam. "HOW BOUT NOW?" booms G04 as it evaporates your skin with its hand beam gun. "POSTING, DISPLAYING, OR SHARING EROTICA IS AGAINST TWITCH'S COMMUNITY GUIDELINES, DO YOU WANNA GET US BANNED??" ## You died. (set: $numFucked to it + 1) (set: $fuckedG04 to true) [[Play Again |Opening]]]]

(if:$fuckedAbe is true)[ //Oh God yes, I get to do it AGAIN// you think to yourself... suspecting what's coming. As you sprint into the holding chamber where ABE stands, you're suddenly filled with a coldness deep in your chest. It's a giant icicle cutting you in half. ABE watches you die emotionlessly. (set: $numFucked to it + 1)(set: $fuckedAbe to true) ## You fuckin' died [[Play Again|Opening]]] (else:)[ //Oh what's ninety-three more seconds// you mutter to yourself lustily. You race to open the trap door underneath the foosball table, slide down the entrance tube into the control room, punch in the code **6969**, //father's ATM PIN// you mutter to yourself, then sprint into the holding chamber where ABE stands ready for action. (link:"Start talkin' dirty")[//I'm gonna shove those spark plugs so far up my ass// you say to yourself, frothing at the mouth. "NOT THIS TIME, MASTER. ON TWITCH, WE CAN GET BANNED FOR THIS KIND OF SHIT" shouts ABE as it activates a beam saber directly into your genitals, transforming your body into plasma. (set: $numFucked to it + 1)(set: $fuckedAbe to true) ## You fuckin' died [[Play Again|Opening]]]]

//Oh right, my keys// you say to yourself. (set:$hasKeys to true) You head to the kitchen table to grab your keys. On the table is a really scintilating photograph you took of ABE, the 100 foot, 32,000 ton mech sitting in your secret laboratory downstairs. (link:"Stare deeply at that sexy machine")[//What a piece of raw machinery// you think, gazing at his heated armor plates and exposed neck cables. What you wouldn't give to run your glossa up his main energon line... [[👏fuck👏that👏robot|You slip downstairs to fuck the robot]] [[Go to the Boy]] ]

//Right, right. THE BOY!// you say to yourself as you sprint out of your home and into town. You are usually the fastest old man in town, but something's different today. The air is filled with a putrid toxin that the extraterrestrial arachnids are spouting overhead. //I don't have much time// you think to yourself. (link:"Run to the boy's house.")[You make it to the boy's home. On the lawn you see an Optimus Prime action figure. //Well... maybe I have a LITTLE bit of time//... [[Fuck the Optimus Prime toy]] [[Go inside the boy's house]]]

You rip open the screen door of the boy's home, and start shouting. (link:"Call for the boy")["Boy! Little boy! Come hither!" you say. (if: $fuckedAbe is true and $fuckedG04 is true and $fuckedOP is true)[ The boy runs downstairs to meet you. "What's up?" asks the boy. "There's no time to lose!" you exclaim. You grab the boy's hand and run out the door at top speed. The air quality is getting worse. You can feel your lungs tightening. You don't have much time. You must get this boy to ABE. "What the fuck are we doing you old fuck?" says the boy. //Rude// you think. "You'll see, boy." (link: "Grab your keys from your pocket")[(if: $hasKeys is true)[You unlock the door to your home, bring the boy through the trap door underneath the foosball table into your secret lab. Your body is giving way. "What the fuck is that thing!!" says that rude, stupid boy. "Get... inside... but don't... f..." you can't finish your sentence. You die peacefully, with your only friend. (set: $abeReady to true) ##You died peacefully [[Continue as the boy|Billy]]](else:)[//Huh// you mutter... your keys aren't there. Fucking christ. Did you seriously forget your keys? Jesus fuck, dude. "Old man what the fuck" coughs the boy. There's nothing you can do. You and the boy crumble to the ground, you barf a bit, and die. It sucks. (set: $hasKeys to false) ##You died and brought the boy with you [[Play Again|Opening]]]] ] (else-if: $fuckedAbe is true or $fuckedG04 is true or $fuckedOP is true)[ You hear the footsteps of the boy plodding forward upstairs, but something's not right. Your body is starting to give way. (set: $hasKeys to false) //I... have fucked so many robots in my life... but clearly, not enough// you say to yourself as your knees buckle. You poop your pants as you die alone. ##You died alone [[Play Again|Opening]] ] (else:)[ Before you hear a response, your feel a flutter in your heart. The bad kind. Your left arm goes numb. You smell toast. (set: $hasKeys to false) Your final thought as your vision goes dark is //God dammit... if only I had fucked more robots//... you have a heart attack, and pee yourself a little as you die alone. ##You died [[Play Again|Opening]]]]

//I'm doing the right thing// you say to yourself as you pick up vintage G1 Optimus Prime action figure and pull your crusty old man pants down. Choking on the poisonous air, you stroke the plastic tires on OP's legs... (link:"Start getting explicit")["YOU SICK FUCK, HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO BE TOLD THAT DETAILED DESCRIPTIONS OF SEX ACTS CAN GET YOU BANNED?" the toy shouts at you in a deep, booming voice. The plastic of the toy melts, passes through your skin, and enters your bloodstream where it clots up your heart and you fall to the Earth, naked and alone. (set: $numFucked to it + 1)(set: $fuckedOP to true) ## You died you old perv! [[Play Again|Opening]]]

//How the fuck do I fuck with this shit// you mumble to your fucking cool self. The room you're in is small... and the only thing that looks even remotely like a controller is a long tube that comes up from the floor, even with your waste. At the mouth of the tube is an inviting opening... (link:"Go for it my bro")["Oh sick, hole!" you exclaim. You pull your JNCO jeans off and mash your genitals into that hole without asking any questions. A piercing SCREECH eminates from all around you. You leave your body, dropping deep into a freezing nothingness. Every insecurity you've ever had comes back to haunt you at 100mph. You shouldn't have fucked that robot. Are you trying to get us banned?? ## You Lose ]

//Hell yeah, I'm so goddamn cool// you think to yourself as you piss directly through your pants all over control room. //My stream is powerful today// (link:"Keep pissin'")[Suddenly, the lights in the control room turn on. Your piss is waking the robot up! A gentle hum fills the room. You turn to see where the hum is coming from and the robot mimics your motion. The key to controlling this robot is piss!! //Let's fuck some shit up// you say. But first, a display panel appears in front of you with the following prompt: "What is Dad's ATM PIN?" The following options appear: [[4242|Wrong]] [[6969|Right]] [[1234|Wrong]]]

//Booyakasha!// you say as you down two liters of Baja Blast that you had in the back pocket of your extremely oversized JNCO jeans. //This piss train ain't stoppin' anytime soon.// (link:"Fling that piss all around")[You use your piss to launch the robot into the sky. There, you're surrounded by mean-looking flying alien bugs. //Okay now this is epic// you say as you let your piss fly. The robot fuckin' chops and shoots and slices these alien bugs to oblivion. In your piss frenzy, you end so many lives. It feels good. The alien bugs don't know what hit them. The aliens retreat and fly back to wherever the fuck they came from. But you don't give a shit. You just wanna piss and kill shit. Hell yeah. ##You win. ### Robots fucked: $numFucked ]

"INCORRECT" booms Abe. All that piss you spewed everywhere suddenly rises into the air, hardens, and shoots into your chest like little piss bullets. You fuckin got shot to death by piss bullets dude. [[Play Again|Opening]]

"CORRECT!" Booms Abe. //Sick!// you mutter to yourself. //Lets fuckin GO!// [[Chug a 2 Liter Mountain Dew]]